Dueling Town Halls - SNL
>> good evening. i'm george stephanopoulos, and the vibe we're going for tonight is "poorly attended college lecture. the folks asking questions are half pro-biden and half anti-trump, and somehow we've put all of them in the last row of the balcony. how are you guys up there?
>> i have vertigo!
>> great. and our guest of honor tonight is former vice president and future oatmeal spokesman joe biden.
>> hello! hello, philadelphia! it's great to be here! hey, that is bobby clark of the 1974-75 flyers?
>> mr. vice president, mr. vice president, please don't wander into the audience to greet people.
>> sorry! i'm just so excited to talk to america. with real-life americans. hey, george! check it out! that's a dance for the kids on tiktok.
>> okay. okay, joe. let's focus. now, are you ready for softball questions from folks who are already voting for you?
>> you bet your short pants i am. this is going to be exciting, george. i've given everybody in the audience a glass of warm milk and a blanket. now who's ready to have some fun with facts and figures? whoo!
>> the first question is from nicholas fenton, and he's a democrat.
>> mr. vice president, how would your response differ from the horrible one from president trump, who i hate?
>> let's limit how many times you outright say you hate president trump during your questions.
>> mr. vice president, go ahead.
>> okay. now nicholas -- where the hell are you? nicholas?
>> i'm up here!
>> go ahead!
>> hey. yeah. here's the deal. unlike the president, i actually have a plan.
>> okay, great! what is it?
>> a plan is a detailed proposal for doing or achieving something.
>> no, i mean, what's your plan?
>> oh, right. right. well, let me start with a story. mixed with a complicated math problem. if you have 3 million doses of vaccine, and the vaccine leaves chicago at 10:00 a.m., what time would it arrive in washington? and please show your work.
>> good evening, america. i am surprise bad-ass savannah guthrie. if you were angry at nbc for doing this town hall, let me get a few questions in and i think you'll thank me. joining me tonight is president donald trump.
>> thank you, serengeti, it's great to be here. even though -- woman.
>> we have lots of voters to ask questions, but i'd like to start by tearing you a new one. why won't you condemn white supremacy?
>> i do. i do condemn it. i've always more or less condemned it.
>> what about q-anon?
>> you mean the group that thinks democrats are a cabal of satan-worshipping pedophiles, and i'm their messiah? i don't know anything about them at all.
>> yes, you do, mr. president.
>> i do know they're against pedophilia, and i agree with that, if anyone's against pedophiles, it's me, the man who was close, personal friends with one of the most famous pedophiles on earth. rest in power, jeffrey. [ laughter and moans ]
>> okay -- what about the aryan brotherhood?
>> they're very pro-family, that's all i know.
>> your car breaks down, you call triple-k.
>> last week you tweeted that osama bin laden is still alive.
>> i didn't tweet it, it was a retweet, which is short for "really smart tweet."
>> you can't just do things like that, you're not someone's crazy uncle.
>> really? because this conversation we're having is a preview of thanksgiving dinner at a lot of american households, so crazy uncles, stand back and stand by.
>> that brings us to 1939. the year i went to the world fair. and met the real mickey mouse. does that answer your question? if you want to find me after the town hall, we can talk some more.
>> some more?
>> just to be clear, when was the last time you tested negative?
>> there are so many tests, santana, i get tested all the time.
>> okay, for covid.
>> there are so many covid, savannah, covid-12, covid-14 --
>> were you tested for covid-19 on the day of the debate --
>> there have been so many debates --
>> there was one f'ing debate. now do you have any remaining symptoms of covid?
>> no, i'm doing great. doctors say my lung is beautiful. i have one beautiful lung now, which turned basically into glass, so it's very strong.
>> you didn't have pneumonia?
>> had a small fever, it was around 100 celsius. but i did great. i never died. never saw hell or the devil. he never showed me a list of my sins. i was just alive and strong the whole time.
>> okay. i'm done with my initial prostate exam. our first question tonight is from jacqueline lugo.
>> hello, mr. president! greetings from miami --
>> no, no, different person.
>> okay, let's go to our next question from paulette dale, and i'm told she's horny.
>> yes. greetings, mr. president. i have to say, you have a great smile. he does! oh, just so handsome when you smile. come on, let me see those chompers. oh, there we go. you're so beautiful. now my question is about immigration. my parents were both immigrants. so i want to know what you'll do with the so-called dreamers.
>> where did your parents emigrate from?
>> they came from mrs. maisel-vania.
>> that's why you have to do something. you can make a difference. you can save this country.
>> joe, who are you talking to?
>> i'm talking to god, george. father, son, holy ghost, you're the team we love the most.
>> and that's why we're going to have a v-shaped recovery, a deep v, rippling pecs and a toned eight-pack. a swimmer's body, basically like i have after covid, and it'sing about -- it's going to be beautiful!
>> the question is, why won't you release your taxes?
>> oh, that's simple, because i don't want to go to jail. thank you.
>> our next question is from a pro-life millennial, so yikes, good luck.
>> my question is did you nominate judge barrett to strike down roe v. wade? because that would be pretty chill of you.
>> that's a beautiful question, thank you. i didn't tell amy conan o'brien to vote any way on any issue. some people say very brilliant minds say roe v. wade should be overturned and burned in a trash can, like antifa is burning all of my ballots because everyone knows the radical left are trying to steal this election. they're taking down statues which are full of trump votes, that's where the people place their votes, into the statues. antifa is stealing them and changing trump to kathy griffin --
>> okay, i'm so sorry. i'm real sorry. this is the last place i want to be. but somebody has to ask, what the hell is happening with that woman back there? because i only nod that much when a waiter asks if i'll be having mimosas at brunch. so either that's candace owens in a wig or baby girl answered the wrong craigslist ad. are you okay, miss? are you listening to music on tiny headphones? i'm genuinely trying to understand what's happening. because if you're not a plant, then i am deeply, deeply concerned for you, honey.
>> she's probably just upset that i didn't win the nobel prize.
>> okay. i need to get out of here, because this is some spooky-ass jordan peele nonsense. i just hope joe's town hall is more inspiring than this. let's make the most of this beautiful day since we're together we might as well say would you be mine could you be mine won't you be my neighbor
>> what do you say? will you be my neighbor, george?
>> what? oh, i'm sorry, i'm watching the trump one. they're really going at it.
>> and now, savannah is telling him there's another question, but no, it was just a distraction! savannah guthrie has a folding chair! from the audience! and trump doesn't see it! oh, the humanity!
>> and you see each tree has its own personality. just like america. does that answer your question, justin?
>> if i say yes, can i sit down?
>> you betcha, buckaroo.
>> both my legs are sleeping.
>> well, mr. vice president, i believe we are about out of time. so i'm going to ask you for your closing statement.
>> george, george, we have to restore sanity to the nation. if elected, i promise i won't tweet once. because i don't know how. and i'll have exactly one scandal. i will mistake angela merkel for my wife, from behind, and tell her she's got a rocking caboose. there's no malice in that. that's it!
>> in conclusion, there's only one question that matters. just ask yourselves, america, aren't you better off than you were four years ago?
>> all right, then just try and take me alive. and live from new york, it's saturday night!